Love Agony and Me

This the second part of my story :

 First part : கொஞ்சம் காதல் .. கொஞ்சம் Coffee

                       I thumped my leg on air. I was sure I had hit something. I wish it to the face of the stupid who woke me up so early on the Sunday morning. I rubbed my face and the digital watch which shown me 7:45 A.M.

‘Fuck you man’ I said as placed my elbow over my bed and lifted my neck slowly. I rubbed my eyes hard enough to get the vision of Ram searching his glass possibly launched from his nose by my ferocious kick which might have landed somewhere around his nose.

‘Siddhu, I want to show you something’ he said as fixed his glass back on the mission’s path. I love him doing this. He looked like 70 year old man fixing his spectacles with so much of care. I like to call it glass rather than spectacles just because of the syllables it has. And Now I realized that he is not angry on me as usual for my kick so I know something inside is cooking serious.

‘What’ I said as I snored to show my dis-interest rather than sluggishness.

Sri entered the room bidding us a good morning.

‘Divya woke me up at 5:30.She has exam today’ he explained the reason for his early entry into our room. Our room .  Ah! I hadn’t said you. We live in a two bed-room apartment in Bangalore. We are all software geeks working on IBM  though  I really have a question about our ability to be called so.Sri needed a private bedroom and I and Ram agreed to rollover on the same room. Though I needed to be alone, I’ve never said either of them the fact.

Sri broke knuckles and was about to enter into the bathroom and Ram’s shallow voice stopped him. ‘wait ‘ he said as he handed over half-white cover to Sri who was in no mood to read it.

‘We need to go to our college next week’ Ram said with arguably zero expression.

‘What, Are we invited to some function as chief guests?’ he laughed at his own joke as he surfed through the invitation. Ram handed over a copy of the same (it seemed to be) to me.

I gave a boring look to the invitation. ‘Graduation day’ Ram read out as if he as RJ announcing the next song to be on air.

‘At last we are going to be engineers with a certificate’ Sri said. I gave him a fake smile. I examined him he looked the same as the first day I saw him hardly 5 years have been passed. He is from the white race the minority of Indian people at least the Tamils. He doesn’t feature a great physique though. It doesn’t matter. He already has a girlfriend.

‘Are you okay?’ Ram shattered my thoughts. In any other  room of our batch mates the invitation might have a happier welcome but we or at least I was in no mood to see my college again.

‘Yeah’ I smirked.

‘Divyaaaa’ Sri exclaimed as he walked back into his room lending his ears to his IPhone. He has a funny walking style.

‘He is never going to brush today ‘I said.

‘Siddhu..’  Ram called me out. His voice still carried zero expression.

‘What?’ I said ‘Any news in the paper? Jaya’s case is being heard today’.

‘Today is Sunday buddy’ he gave me a insinuating smile. I know I’m a bad topic changer.     :-(

‘You will come?’ he continued as he raised his eyebrows, actually his specs.

“Do I’ve an another option?” I jumped out of my bed.

“Next Saturday, We’ll start on Friday night” Ram said to himself than to me. He left. 

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               The Friday came after 5 days as usually it does. We are dumped in our Honda city. Yes, It was ours. Each of us had a share in it. I love to ride(I never use the word drive) and as mandatory I was in the driving seat. This time around,I hated the travel which otherwise would have been a lovely pass-on for me..I never really wanted to go back to my college.I used to give dirty look to people who say If given a chance they’ll  live their college life again.

          Even I loved my college life once, until I realized something, something too personal to share with anyone. Ram knows a bit of it and Sri is a chatterbox and you can bet the message from his lips spread as faster as cholera does. And so I’ve hidden a little  to him.

              Ram patted my pack as a Truck driver shouted at us for raging the car too closer to his bumper.

“Let me drive” Ram said.

I pointed to his specs and scowled. “Night time buddy, I can risk, but the boy at the back has a girlfriend” I said and accelerated.

        The fact that I’m going to see her made blood rush into my head. I can feel it or else I might have assumed so. She was once my angel. And yeah She is still an angel or who knows she might have even delivered a little angel.But I’m no more authenticated to use the phrase “My angel” towards her.

“It’s long time since we met Mr.Hitler” , Sri said interrupting my thoughts. I hate Sri for this damn reason.

                          We called our Principal, Mr.Hitler. He had several reasons to be called so.But The primary reason was that he behaved as if every student were Jews. To coincide his period with history he had built a Auditorium( for me) which he himself calls as Convention center ( Why don’t people stop with a single word for a single place. What is the fucking reason that a same word has tens of synonyms’ hate people who created English).

         I know several people who boast about having such a big auditorium (Or Gas chamber of Hitler in my version).They say as a student of “Ko***” ( to be replaced by my f***king college), I’m very proud to have such a large Convention center. I hate people who say this. Each brick of the auditorium carries blood drops of parents of this herd of sheeps.It is nothing necessary for a college in rural place to have such a big gas chamber where Mr. Hitler  puts students for every annual day. I’ll find it funnier from my school days, every principal announces a compulsory attendance for Annual days.This is really funny, A day which is made for the fun of students and they are in a position to force students to attend the same. I never care about those dupes anyway.

            We three were great buddies at college. We used to share the same bench and all of us have a in-born capability to crack witty comments in every possible lecture. I had a happy college life like you till the day I met her. Don’t panic. From the second, I met her the word happy is replaced with happier. It was just a formal meeting, she happened to be my class mate .She is from the next section A, while I’m from section B.In this college they arrange sections in random, I never guess why. I usually hate my college mate.   for the very reason that they are Group-selfish as every human being is.But I hate that attitude anyway. But she was a feather from the same flock. I don’t really want to bore you by telling “How we met” and stuffs. Every love story is more or less the same.  After a little of acquaintance , I found it more comfortable with her. And after certain period of time, I found it really uncomfortable without her.

               I’m a person with zero sentiments before she entered my life. Still I used to be the same for certain period of time.I remember refusing her to give my mail password and after a certain threshold of love we became each other’s password as it usually happens. She was a photocopy of myself made in a female version by the creator may be by mere chance. But, That’s the way frequency ( as she calls it) worked great between us, though I’ve a little of  lot that I hate about her. To give you an instance, She never likes to have a ride on bike with guy of same age unless he’s his brother or something, even if it is me. I even hate this phrase, “Even it is me”, who the fuck I’m to her.

                 We started off as friends and she continued to be the same, but I changed myself  to be a valentine of her.I actually hated this part of me.I fell in love as if people use to fell ill. Love became such a task for me. Ram used to tell me when ever he recharges his mobile,I’ll tend to fall in love with a new girl. But ,Raaji was different. Yeah,That’s her name. I hate her physique right from day 1. She was no more than piece of  bones of semi-eaten grilled chicken. She was too weak to be called 20 years aged. You double her age and you have calculated her weight. I wonder she might have been weighed in double digit grams when she was born.But,There were plenty of things in her that i love to.. To start of with,her fingers. They were as crispier as finger chips of McDonalds and I'm in constant love with them.And her nose looks irrestiably cute at times.I love her lips too.They have never seen lip stick for ages and  like to serve the purpose of lipstick with my lips often.(Lip stick purpose is to make the lips wet isn't it? ). And Keep this a secret she wears spectacles (or glass in my version), I hate that :) But,I usually do tell her, i love your eyes ;-) . So what? Lies are a part of love, A major part, to be precise.

            To tell you the truth, The transformation phase from friend to valentine was actually great.I still remember every moment of it.I use to examine people and myself. I’ve asked some of my buddies about what you do think about the transformation phase from friend to valentine. And each one of them stared at me as if I asked the question about marrying a witch. I hate this thing about tamil guys, and to be broader south-Indian  guys.They are nerds. Marrying a friend is not a non-bailable offence at least till today.Anyway,A girl is born to be married to a guy.Why not a friend?

                   People talk of Sanity od relationships.I wonder where does the word came between a relationship.I bet you, best buddies can make a best couple in the world. I can show you millions of examples Like Chetan and Anusha and lot more. But,There is no point to explain fools about the facts.I never care what they think what Friendship is and what a girl and boy are supposed to do.  And the silly thing is they believe in love at first sight. I wanted to show them a cute girl in a glass room doing cuter things.And after they fall in love, I hope they will never cope-up or regret love-at-first-sight even 

         Yeah,I never deny the fact that there are some girls who I can never think to be husbanding, just because they feel more  than a sister like to me.But, Marrying a friend is not at all a Sin as people say .They have never learnt to think beyond their born and brought-up. They will kill me if I use the phrase , Frogs in a well.But,I know Truth always hurts that way. And as  habitual she was one among those frogs. And  yeah there were some things which we don’t have in common. Although we had a lot of interests in common, some things that are not always outraged me.But,She is still the practical person as I used to be. A conversation that took place between us may tel you the relationship we were in.

            She came late to the hut.(There were no pizzas around in the small town(??!!) ) where KFC (K***** ****ing College) were situated. I was hitting the pigs with my Angry birds in my Galaxy. That’s what  is legitimate to be done by a guy in a relationship.If you show the anger on them,even if the fault is on them,It will be the male’s  responsibility to ask sorry. Every Girl’s  are the same. Although I found Raaji different. I can’t still believe that Raaji hates gossiping, Every creature of female species love that stuff!

“Sorry..Sorry..Sorry”, She mumbled as she sat on tiny chair opposite to my nose .I looked down.I’ve managed to reduce my weight in the recent past by then and have compiled myself on to the chair.But,In her case She was too little even for the tiny chair.I remember one of my girlfriends of the past said that “Raaji didi is too tiny” and we’ve had a head-out laugh at the statement. I’ve said you about her weight. Anyway,Even if she is thumb sized, She is my cindrella.Why the hel do you care? . I turned my face to the other side to face the empty chairs She held my face and turned them.

“Sorry da chellam” She said still holding my face on her palm.I love her fingers I must say you.I found them the cutest part of her body.

“Mmm…” I said still faking my voice to be in anger.

“Stop. Don’t create a scene now” She said and this is another part I love in her.

                                She reads my mind partially well in most situations and on the counter-part read her ever than she has imagined it to be.This is the period of time where I started to fall in love with her and arguably proposed her as people call it and my version of the story will be I expressed my love towards her. Anyway, Who is going to listen to the version of the accused.

‘They have exchanged the horoscopes’, she said as the waiter came ahead.

‘Two strawberry shakes’ I said and signaled her to continue.

‘They have seem to exchanged horoscopes’, She started over.I hinted that she enforces me to believe that she had no part in the exchange by using the word “They“.Still I know she had a role to be played. I can bet you one thing.No guy chooses sarcastic words as a girl does,Girls are genius in choosing words. You can never guess what they are intending to say. On the other hand, Every boy in the world does speak from his heart, truly . Girls are too good at suppressing their feelings and My Raaji (at least at this scene she was mine) is the best of the lot. She can show zero expression on her face for a such an emotional play I make.

“Helloooo” She waved her hands in front of my face. I wanted to kiss her fingers. But anyway I was in no state to do so.

“Mmm…”, I mumbled as I slurped the milkshake. “So, When are you getting married?”.

 Now that was a Yorker. This is the other thing, comparing people with bowlers. Girls love to curse you bowling bouncers and reverse swings. On the other hand, Boys are juvenile. They just bowl straight Yorkers and most of them ends up as a full toss.

                  Now I was forced to remember our another conversation. I used to talk to her as if I were her fiancé. Even though, I know she hated me talking that way.It was really fun from heart on my side. I love to live every moment of my life,No matter what.
And on that particular day, I, her imaginary husband the day after asked her “Will you marry someone If I die?”
                  “Hey. .I’m going to marry another guy even if you’re alive” she said and laughed her head out . I was stammering. I was in a emotional mood and I just wanted to ask her what the fuck is funny about that. A sentence which makes a man stumble in misery can cause other to laugh for 5 minutes hardly.i can see tears in her eyes. She had laughed too much for her joke. But,I myself :-( 

“Hey.. It is not confirmed. They are just talking “.Now, This is another thing that I want to shout at the middle of the crowd “You guys fuck”, Marriage is being treated like exchange of goods.

A boy should come and show his salary package and a beneficial family background and similarly a girl shows how beautiful and well-behaved she is and both are tied up in the name of marriage with a colossal sack of cash and jewels transferred from the girl side to the boy’s. Where is the concept of love goes here? This is purely a compulsion of two souls to share their private space. And I’ll tell you the face, People of this generation still likes the setup very much. I wonder what makes them do this shit. They still value caste system a lot, which I myself think is cruel. I’ve said my mom “Taking caste as a criteria for my marriage with a girl is making me eat shit”. I hate the system of marriage and still it prevails successfully. My mom and dad excellent couple of each other and they are put together just by the same system. But, I wanted to ask Raaji why the fuck I can’t be your man.

‘The question to be asked is “Why not me”’I said breaking the silence. “It is not the point to ask why should it be me.Instead ask yourself why not Siddhu?”

“ Hey.. .I like you dude. But ” she said and paused.

                I let out a huge sigh. Again, Girls are cruel,They can kill you with (s)words.I like you and but are two words that are like two parts that cause a neuclear reaction when bombarded , they should never be connected. I case they are placed in the order she said,it is a disaster ahead.

“Stop that” I said. “Let’s go”

“I can’t think of marrying you. Friendship is the purest form “ she said like a Christian preacher. I hated that accent.

“Screw that. Lets go”I said and stood up to leave.

            “Shit man”, Sri said as we entered our hometown. He had lost a game that he played on his Iphone. I said you I HATE HIM like hell. He always interrupts my thoughts. We are going to stay in Sri’s house for that day.We refreshed ourselves and had a feast of home food, which we really miss in bang lore inspite of cocktails.

 We went to the college straight after breakfast.Ram and Sri wanted to meet our badge though I really never wanted to.At least , her. During the last semester, she got engaged and this particular thing really left me fucked up.I’ve been screwed up many times in life.But,I’ve never felt so small. I always used to have the feel “I’m my own boss”.But, The fact that she will be in someone else’s life hurt  me more than that she was not going to be in my life. After my final semester exams we three shifted to Bangalore for job in IBM which we got for a project done and I’ve strictly begged Sri and Ram not to let our college buddies know where the hell we went. I was in touch with no one.I smutted down my Facebook down and seemed a fucked up person for a mean while. I never worried whether she is married or not.Why should I be while she is not mine?

We met our friends and the usual rituals of hugging and follow-up took place.I was faking smile at everyone and gave fake laughter for every cracked joke.Left alone,Only Ram in the crowd knew I was faking.Sri was busy talking to his rotten girlfriends made during college.

I searched for Raaji.This is where every male fucks.You say you never care about a girl to yourself and still you are searching for her.I’m a loser. I felt and that’s really true.

 The graduation day was to held at the Gas chamber or the convention center.The decorum was as usual awfully miserable.I hate people who made this.She entered and grabbed my attention straight away.she wore a blue salwar kameez , and matchy bangles and ear rings.she had a shoe with heels. We (She and I) hated heels and I thought may be husband might have like it.The thought which  reminded me the day I kissed her for the first time and we had fought for a week before getting normal again.

That incident :

We were at college canteen and  she wore the a blue chudithar and she looked extremely awesome stuff in that dress.I wanted to kiss her straight aay as I walked towards her. She hi fived me.

“You look awesome” I said as I sat on the dirty chair.

“poda” she laughed.

“Hey really”.I protested.

“Mmm…”  she grinned.

“I want to kiss you” I said.

‘What? Are you crazy? Just shut up okay?”

“Okay. Lets play a game. If you won I won’t ever talk about a kiss to you in my life time or else I’ll kiss you now,once”.

“No..Whatever.I won’t let you kiss me.You are spoiling the sanity of..”

“Screw that” I said.”Order something”

After we ate.The girl’s curiosity worked.

“What is that game thing..” she catechized.

“Only If you agree to play”I said.

And I eventually won after some protests from her.

“I’ll give you five chances. I want to kiss you at a place.A very decent place that is not covered by cloth right now.If you guess,I’m out.If not I’ll kiss.”

“No”She said”Ten chances or else I’m not playing”.

“7”I concluded even though I was sure that she can’t guess that ewven with 100 chances.

“One” Counted as she touched her fore head and gave a inquired look.

“No” I said and winked “You can’t honey”

“Two”, Now she pointed with her finger to her palm.

“No” I said.”I’ll leave you even if you can kiss me”

She gave me fierce look.

“Fingers ,cheeks ,leg, chin, eyes” and she lost.

“Close your eyes” I said as she stood up.

“No” she said .”This is not funny at all, Siddhu,I’m your friend.Friendship is”

“Shut up” I said as I moved close towards her. She was not in the romantic mood as I’m and I know that.

I closed her eyes with my finger as she was fighting to push me away.It reminded me some of cruel rape scenes of Bollywood movies.I’m sure I’m not going to do that.She’s my valentine and I in-turn is her friend.Why do always people think in a complicated way.A kiss is just a kiss.But,I know most of you in-born and brought up fools will neither agree with me.

I kissed her right on her ears,straight to the holes.

“Ah” She said as she pulled me away after 3 and a half seconds.I felt her body quivered.She never said a word.I can see tears rolling sown her cheek.she went passed me like a ragging storm.

                       “You spoiled what friendship is, Bye forever you fucker”. I received a message from her and ended up giving her 100’s of missed calls which went no where.

                   I just wanted to do that, But I tell you I regreted doing that later.I shouldn’t have kissed her.I know.But No one was perfect. I’m terribly sorry I wanted to say her,But she was in no mood to hear.It was my fault.We are just friends and we were in college.What if someone saw.Leave others.What I done was totally wrong for a friend to do.She had trust in me.She came for my words.I broke them.I’m a loser.I cried that night for doing it.

                     And I took a week of callous effort to pierce her thick-skinned heart.It was sheer agony. After a week my blue magic started talking to me.But it took a month to become more normal.

                           “Siddharth Ananth” The man on the mic called my name loud enough to break my thoughts.I’m the last person to get the certificates as  they were distributed according to mark.

                          Raaji was still sitting on stage as she topped our batch.I was handed over a certificate.Everyone in the crowd got that in a complied etiquette.They wished the chief guest.They held the certificate in two  hands,gave pose to the photo.

                        I was in no mood to do them all.I virtually tugged the certificate from the chief guesty (even I never noticed his name) single handed and gave a look towards Raaji and turned walking back.

The man at the mic called me out.

“Take a photograph sir”. I hate him.

        I took the photograph in apathy.Every stood for the national anthem,which played suddenly from no where and I was still on the stage.

                  The crowd dismantled as Raaji came to me on stage.This is what I never wanted to happen,from my brain at least. The heart is always on her side.Double-dealer.

“Hi..Siddhu..Where the hell where you man..I searched you a lot” she said as came closer with a smile. She always talks a little “ ya..kk..seri..sollu..wait..eruma..monkey ” are her usual remarks which I HATE about anyone,. I talk a lot. .But, She is always special. I love her what ever she does.

                      I used to tel her a philosophy,the story of a sage and a scorpion. A sage was at bank of the river, it is so small seem to have just born. It stumbled towards the water as the sage tried to pick it and drop it in a safe place,It bit him.This scenario repeated four times and a student of the sage kicked the scorpion into the river.The sage was angry and the student said that he did that as that scorpion was harming him.The sage smiled back and said “See,The scorpion is about to die in the water”.He said and kept his hand on it on the water,Still it bit him hard and the sage never lost his hand until he dropped it in a safe place.He turned to the disciple and said”Still it never loses its character to bite me.But,Just with some bites of the little creature,We loose our patience and stop loving,Loose or character?".That was the way it meant to be. I used to say her I love her beyond all her flaws.Just because,No one in my life has ever loved me.Even my mom hates my flaws. But I love her with her flaws. 

“Whats up,she said.How is your carrier?”

Now that’s a bouncer.

“Ah…Don’t worry I’m going to quit it for writing a book”. I remember I used to tell her to be my wife and help me in books.She will mock me saying,”You write and give.It will be published in a street side journal.I’ll go sell them “moonu path rooba” meaning three book series for 10 rupees”

“Aren’t you done with your book yet. And you say you quit your carrier for a book which is not sure of published “she winked.

I wanted to kiss her nose now. I couldn’t resist, yet I did.

“Are you married? “A boy’s typical Yorker it was

.

“Do you love me still?” she bored into my eyes. I was looking at her wondering what to say.

She repeated the same question words jumbled.

“Do you still love me?”

“For life time. So what? You might be married..”

The next moment she made the crowd turn towards the stage. The entire gas chamber with alumni and their parents, each individual in the crowd fell mouth-opened.

                       She was pecking kisses randomly on my face. She was like a wood pecker being detained in a not breakable steel box for years. I can feel the real passion in her kisses. She was rigorous. And Mr. Hitler was puzzled to see the girl topper and the boy with last score kissing on his Asia’s largest auditorium or gas chamber.

“But. Wait.. We are not supposed to ” I said. She pressed my lips with her finger and turned my face to other side.

She kissed me on my ears the way I did some years before. One, two, three. She was on fire man.

“I was searching you like hell.I felt it only after you left.” She said as the crowd gathered back and Hitler was running towards  us.

“Love makes you do stupid silly things . See how you behaved on the stage”I said.

“Shut Up.I Love you” She said and held my hands."Love with all your flaws,till I die".

"Till I die" I protested.

"Till we live' , She said as our lips merged,That was a hell a lightening i've ever experienced.You can't say what a sweet taste is.It's sweet thats all. Similarly, A kiss is a kiss. 

A passionate first kiss,You feel out of the world,I Bet.

Ram was signaling me from the crowd. A black label tonight.dude.

I waved back “Sure”

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